Whatchamacallit

It’s 11:02 pm on a Saturday.

Several times, I have established how much I have nothing to call mine except words. If I wasn’t a writer, I’ll be swimming in a pool of self destruct and agony. So, you know how it is when I don’t write for weeks and when weeks stretch into months. When I’m not writing, I am shredding bits of my sanity and losing myself.

I don’t know why I’m doing this. I do not know what "this" is. I have a properly written piece somewhere in my notepad but I’m not satisfied with what I’ve written. I do not connect deeply to it. It is too proper and well-tailored. Also, my vulnerability isn’t evident in it and I do not like that. One of the few times I get to strip myself without much restraint is when I write. Although, I have found myself hiding under writer’s block and telling people I don’t know what to write lately. That’s a lie, I do. I just do not know how to merge the words in my head. They are scattered and every time I try to put them together, they leave me scarred and bruised like when you try to put broken pieces of ceramic together. I write, cry, erase. I promise I’m not erasing this.

Let me tell you. Emotions are overrated. They often leave me exhausted and breathless. I feel them at their highest and lowest. It's never mid for me. They pull and tug every corner of my heart. "They" as in Anger, hurt, sadness, pain, etc. Often, the happiness I manage to feign dissolves into sadness. For this reason, I am starting to accept that some of us are not meant to be happy for prolonged hours. So, I am comfortable with this melancholic state I am in currently. It is not chaotic because I am not fighting it. If you make me laugh, I will laugh. I'm not in any way miserable.

Sometimes, Ignorance is bliss. If you have zero knowledge of mental health and wellness, you do not know when you're battling depression. You can hide depression under the term "floating" and pretend your life isn't pathetic and sad, but when your knowledge about mental health is an 8/10, you become aware of your depreciating state of mind and this spurs you to deal with it. Dealing with it is where a new set of mental gymnastics begin. You start to see a therapist funded by a friend and when in one session, he says "Talk to someone you trust and give me feedback tomorrow". Tomorrow comes and you tell him you spoke to someone and give faux feedback and it goes on and on and on until you stop seeing your therapist. Sometimes, Intentional ignorance and avoidance of issues could be pacifying, yet disastrous.

Lizzo's Truth Hurts is currently playing

"You tried to break my heart
Oh, that breaks my heart
That you thought you ever had it
No, you ain't from the start"

Lol. At least, I get to laugh at why I downloaded this song. It was soothing at the time because I needed to be desperately absolved of guilt, shame, and blame. In the years that followed, I have been highly comforted with the fact that you and I are a mixture of good and bad. There's no ultimate good and no absolute bad. We do good things sometimes and bad things at other times. These two have consequences and repercussions that must be accepted. If you want to be a bad bitch and wear sultry clothes, wear them and accept the consequences. Oh, the consequences I speak of right now are of your clothes getting ripped at their own will in public because they are too tight or of you losing your confidence and poise because you're not comfortable in what you have chosen to wear. The repercussion of your choice doesn't include harassment and assault. After all, I've never been a bad bitch and I've been assaulted several times. Never accept this as your fault. Reject the guilt and blame when it comes. Honestly, I have no idea why you want to be a bad bitch but wazz my own. I am not morally superior.

It is Sunday and church has ended

Morals. They are social constructs. Hence, subjective. We accept some and reject others. These days, people say it’s about personal conviction. It’s funny because lines are constantly drawn and blurred. People that draw these lines are often the ones shaming the people on the other side of the line. It is called prejudice as a result of judgment. There’s Folake. Folake dyes her hair but has no piercings because they look irresponsible. There’s Funke. Funke dyes her hair and has one or two piercings. By Folake’s ludicrous standards, Funke is doing too much. Oh, there’s me who can neither dye my hair nor have piercings because I have "standards" too. All of us are judgemental and hypocritical. The hypocrisy is of varying degree but who is measuring anyway. Sometimes, strive to separate your choices from the standards set by society.

It’s one month into 2021 and I have gotten 5 rejection emails. I must admit, that’s the most I have gotten since I have been aware of my purpose. I got 4 of them all in one day. As they came in, I deleted them. I’m not piling up rejection emails so that one day, I can "inspire you to acquire". No. If you like give up, na you fuck up be that. That aside, piling them is unhealthy for me. I’ll keep going back to them until I can’t anymore. I was hurt and I’m yet to move on. Eventually, I will. Until then, I need to get back to being an undergraduate of Food Science and Technology.

#Menascum. I’ve been saying this a little too much lately so there’s a problem that I’m yet to figure. I promise to tell you when I do. As I write this, I want and crave "more" out of certain relationships but I can’t handle it when it comes so I’ll stay as I am. I’m a coward whose head works in an entirely different way. I want you to assure me of your presence in my life but I’ll freak out when you do. When you disappear, you make me panic and anxious but I disappear sometimes too. Bruh, I stopped talking to you because you reminded me of all of the things I want to be but would never be. If you stop talking to me for this reason, you’ll leave me shattered but I’ll get over it. I always do.

You’re a hopeless romantic?
I’m so jealous of you. I’m too logical and tactical to be one. I am highly conscious of the decisions I make about relationships. This doesn’t mean I don’t make wrong decisions. In fact, that happens quite often. So, I avoid situations that lead me to make a decision and one thing about being in love(what people say anyway) is that it isn’t exactly rational. They say “when you know, you know". Haq haq. Abegiiiii.

I have just selected Ariana Grande’s Breathin' because I gaz breathe. Ma pa mi!

My friend and daddy, Okunade Toluwanimi is evidence that platonic relationships deserve immense outpour of Love too. I should write about him, his selflessness and intense love for his friends. That brings me to this question, chief. Why do you think single people are lonely and sad?. We have our share of Love. Platonic love is in fact, the GOAT of all love. It is very easy to say that the benefit of being single is that you get to have the whole time in the world to put your life together and this is supposed to leave no room for mediocrity or lack of focus. Thus, when you see a person that isn’t single and being mediocre, it is easy to fault their relationship status. I’m honestly asking, Why?

I am physically tired. All of my network providers are frustrating me. I am preparing to leave Lagos so, I have my stuff in one corner of this room. I don’t know how to pack them.

It is 10:33pm

I have rambled and I have fed your eyes. Man shall now rest.