I don’t want to be alone.

I must warn you. This piece is solely about me, myself, and I.

I have learned that vulnerability gives room for introspection so, consider this a reflection of this phase I have found myself in.

Lately, I have been convinced that I am not cut out to run this life thing alone and all by myself.

I must confess that I am dead broke. As I write this, I have less than #100 sitting pretty in my bank account. I am not ashamed to let you know this because I am a 20 years old child that still depends on her parents to supply all of her needs(Okay, maybe not all of it). I have left this "Strong black independent woman" title for you, my queens. Just a few hours ago, a kind human prepared dinner for me. In fact, people have been feeding me for quite some days because I am too stressed out to cook and cannot fund my baby girl lifestyle. Do you see why I need people in my corner to do this life thing with?

I might be an introvert. "Might" because I am no longer even certain about my attributes and characteristics and I do not subscribe to the usage of "ambivert". I'll tell you why. It's quite an unnecessary term in my opinion. Sometimes, stay aloof and be confused. Everything doesn't have to be definite. You don't have to know what you are all the time.

I am quite an extrovert with certain persons. When I need to shut out the entirety of the universe, I take them out of the equation and spend time with them. Whenever I am going through a myriad of emotions, I want to unbox and process them with these people. On some days, I want to see their faces and even spend several nights with them. On other days, I want to sit in silence and have them say or do ridiculous things to make me feel better. Basically, I do not want to be alone.

I don’t think I am cut out for this life thing alone.
It is 10:29 pm as I write this with a pen and paper. My laptop is open because I should be studying. However, I just texted one of my persons.

My response to trauma is always tears. Always!

I am slowly getting past that stage where I cannot tell certain persons how life is dealing with me and how I overthink my existence sometimes. Holding things back has become tiring. I want to talk to my people. I want them with me as I do this life thing.

I’m not cut out for this life thing alone.
I crave connection, validation, a basic sense of belonging. I crave Love. I crave care. I crave affection. I want all of the good things that you want. I am no longer in a competition of "I always want to be alone". I don’t want to necessarily have to shrink away from people to preserve my well-being. No mahn, I don’t want to be alone. There is absolutely nothing empowering about wanting to be alone all the time. There is nothing impressive about aloneness.

Honestly, I'm still navigating this phase of my life. I do not understand it and it is super uncomfortable for me. This is a large paradigm shift from who I used to be. Maybe all of these might be rooted in the deep feeling of insecurity, inadequacy, and extreme paranoia that I have been feeling lately in almost all aspects of my life. I have found myself zoning out repeatedly because I am yet to figure if this phase of co-dependency is a good thing or not.

I am in it anyway.

I’ll figure it out, lagabara olorun.