Hard girl. Yeah?
Just before you read further,
I do not intend to motivate or inspire you today. Instead, I just want to strip myself of every poise and perfection I have projected over time and tell you significant things about me as well.
The surge of melancholy I have felt since May/June is bewildering. Bewildering because the person I had become felt foreign. So one evening, I told someone I was exhausted and needed a break from social media and from people.
January-March was full of questions from "me to myself ". I questioned everything and anything. I questioned my grades and demanded why it wasn't as good as it ought to be. I questioned my determination and consistency. I questioned my decisions and my goals. I questioned my faith and religion. I avoided little beginnings. I avoided competitions and sending out mails or applications. Everything just seemed not to be working out. Somehow, it got better and I was relieved of the pressure. I was attending my classes, avoiding awkward conversations. My life was in perfect order. Then, covid-19 came and I was back to square one.
Sometimes, I am addicted to self growth. Therefore, I begin to have "withdrawal symptoms" and become sensitive when the growth doesn’t happen. So I guess it makes sense that I ran away cause yet again, I had lost interest in living for something. I had zero joy and had become lethargic. I took online courses grudgingly, I read books grudgingly. I wrote grudgingly. There was no zest and thirst to grow. You see ehn, Apathy annoys me. I have always wondered how a person would not have basic interest in anything at all. Why would you be spiritless?. No joy, no vibes. How do you not care about something or anything at all. So I was angry at myself for being an entity I have always disliked. The break was just necessary to fix things, change unhealthy patterns and keep a very healthy mindset.
I put my phone on flight mode and froze my WhatsApp. For the first few days, I was present on Twitter and Instagram because of the fear of missing out but I was cautious at the same time. I ensured not liking posts or retweeting. I literally needed to appear dead to people. My routine for the first week included staring into space, opening my Twitter and Instagram, lying around, seeing movies here and there and crying myself to sleep. Yes, I cry. I cry a lot. How do some of you not cry when the need arises?.
Oh!let me tell you.. Sometimes, I am overly emotional. Minute and subtle things bothers me so when people talk about all of the things they do not care about, I stay silent because I care about them. I will cry with you if I need to, If you’re weak and need me to be strong for you, just get a third person to be strong for both of us. I will feel everything alongside with you. I am that emotional. If I am sad, I will isolate, pull away and cancel plans. This way, I get to be in control and not transfer aggression.
Few days into the second week of my break, I decided to outline every issue I had been suppressing and pushing back with the need to tackle them. I knew that going offline meant I was running away from something that needed to be addressed. So, I took a break off my Twitter and Instagram, spent most of my days in solitude and picked the issues with the determination to solve them.
The daily rise in cases of rape and the vile comments from rape apologists were enough to send me away from Twitter. The insensitive takes and silence on some people's part was pissing off. There are times and situations you don't "mind your business". You just have to say something.
We have made excuses for majority that they didn’t understand consent and all there’s to it because the conversation surrounding rape has never been this vivid. However, there’s a certain age you get to that you have to question your thoughts and your actions. Demand a logical explanation from yourself on why you do what you do or why you give certain opinions. If your explanation is illogical. You unlearn.
(Sighs, I just had to talk about this. Again.)
Just before my break, I was stuck in a place of ambivalence with few people. I wasn’t sure whether to let go or to hold on to these people. Ambivalence is a place you don’t want to be in. It is very futile and unpleasant. You don’t know the conversations to hold with these people, you don’t know if they are good for you or bad for you. You don’t know what happens when you let them go. You only know that holding on to them is quite toxic, so you nurture silent hopes and beliefs that your relationship with them gets better. That’s why I had about 200 saved contacts and about 500 archived chats just before I took my break off WhatsApp. I like to think that when I delete your contact, I am slowly letting go but hypocrisy is me retaining our chats and replying you when you hit me up.
Small talks do not excite me so running away from WhatsApp came easy too. The monotonous conversations with people became tiring. The routine was exhausting. It was always ranging from knowing each other's well being, knowing what each of us was up to, Raising each other's hopes about the end of the lockdown, constant "I miss you's" and daily proclamation of love for one another. Hei gawd!. Why???
I am empathetic but sometimes self-absorbed. I can’t tell you "I miss you" all the time because you need me to(especially when I don’t), I’m not making plans with you for when lockdown ends(I know we’ve all realized life’s short, Thanks but I don’t want to see you all the same!) or talk about my life being in perfect order when it isn’t. When I don’t feel good, the conversation wouldn’t feel good. There’s no contrast between my emotions and the aura of the conversation since I’m not writing a poem. We’re conversing. So I ran away, because being an harbinger of bad energy screams misery. I ran away because everybody’s normalcy was choking. Some of you were probably fronting. I don’t know how to do that.
I dedicated the rest of the break to create a consciousness about my mental well-being and find my way to being emotionally adequate and intelligent. So, I read articles, I listened to podcasts, watched Tedx videos and Goleman's book on Emotional intelligence came in handy. Truth is, I was managing to do all of these and talk to a professional even before I took a break. They just didn't work out like I expected them to.
Recovery is hard and messy but this break put things in perspective and I'm glad I ran away.
Misery enjoys company. That’s what they say yeah?
So just in case you feel like shit. Know that you’re not alone, I do too.
Only difference probably is I’m not letting it choke me to death. At least, not yet.
So don’t let it.
This Earth doesn’t belong to you by the way.
When you leave,
Others will still live.
Now’s the perfect time for you to be selfish.
Log out and take care of yourself ❤️.
