21?
I don’t know mahn. I don’t know who’s 21, but I’m writing this on behalf of the person because it can’t be me. lol
Okay okay!
It's me. "sobs".
It's meeeeeeeeee. I'll be 21!!!!!
A few days after my 19th birthday, I started blogging and, decided to make it a tradition to come here every year and make a review of the kind of life I lived in the previous year.
Honestly, doing this somewhat scares me because I fear that people who rate me will get to see me bare and, know that just like them, I am ordinary so, I struggle. Just like them, I often do not achieve the goals I set for myself because life is heinously unfair, and I am mostly lazy and unmotivated. Also, I have bad grades. Lots of them. Lol.
Lezzdodizzzz, kids.
On nothingness!
I am currently lying on a chair with my work clothes on and, squid game playing on the TV. I am not watching because I am not interested. I am tired and, should be sleeping but here I am, telling you about how empty my life was in the past year. Oh, I achieved nothing at all, my people. Okay, I probably did because my friends tell me I can be unnecessarily hard on myself on some days but What’s an achievement if it’s not tangible anyway. After all, I can’t remember crushing my goals and doing all of that superhuman stuff.
In my defense, I set out to do nothing but live in the past year because my mental health was in proper jeopardy as a result of jumbling too many things that they started to appear like nothing. I decided to be just a student and nothing else. In summary, My life was void. However, it worked quite nicely for a while because my grades got better until it started to wear me out and bore me that I was doing nothing with my existence. Then, I got confused and wasn’t sure it was a good idea to take a gap year and set out to achieve nothing.
In retrospect, I don’t think I particularly regret my state of nothingness because it made my head somewhat clear. Also, it gave me an insight into how much power I had to run things if I wanted to. My head was flowing with ideas and, my creativity was sharp as hell. So, I think taking gap years(or months?) might be necessary for progress to happen.
Well, I am very excited to be starting a new year because I intend to make up for the past year, break grounds, and make things happen because I run things and, things don't run me! (My solid mantra)
On bucket lists and living life!
I think bucket lists are great and, every human should have one. Everybody probably does, but I'm just extra by having mine written down. I had a bucket list titled "List of things I need to do before 16". I had another titled "list of things I need to do before 20". I've had various bucket lists with silly things listed in them.
As an introvert, having one helped me to maximize my experiences in the past year. Mahn, I had fun. I know damn right I had fun. I did new and dangerous things. I went to places I had never been before and spoke to people I had never spoken to before.
Yunno, growing older comes with some sort of heavy melancholy, and it is very difficult to not give oneself to this melancholy. The responsibilities and expectations appear from nowhere and, sometimes, they are even unnecessary. As in, you don’t want me to call my parents and ask for money because I’m going to be 21. plixxxxxx nauuuu!!! Therefore, it is of huge importance to prioritize your happiness every phase and step of your life. Bad things happen anyway and they are unfortunately unavoidable but that’s what life is. It’s a mixture of good and bad. We’re fortunate to experience the good on some days and unfortunate on other days. Having a bucket list helped me to have some fortunate days.
Sadly, I do not have a friend that uses braces yet, and I am haven't seen what a pool looks like. Tell your friend that uses braces to text me before I get to 22 please. lol
On Friendships!
My friends became family in the previous year. They became my people as in, my persons. I think about these people and hold back my laughter sometimes. They made me happy and had me giggling and bursting into laughter that brought tears to my eyes. They don’t think I’m funny though so, I’m open to new friends.
Oftentimes, I handle my platonic relationships like romantic relationships so, I expect to be loved on, cared for, and treated with so much softness because I’m a soft babe. However, things somewhat changed for me as a result of circumstances and, my perspective about Friendships changed. I went from being vulnerable and open with my persons to dealing with my issues in my corner and by myself because that was the comforting way to swing. However, I was still finding ways to extend so much grace to my friends for not being "there" for me because how could they possibly know how to be there for me when I’m not speaking up.
You see, one thing I’ve learned about grief over someone’s absence due to death or just naturally outgrowing them especially if they were your person is that you never truly accept their absence despite thinking that you have, especially on days where you genuinely need them and you believe that they are the only person equipped with the ability to put you out of your misery. Grief is almost never-ending. Another sad thing it does, is that it blinds you from seeing all of the present people in your life. However, my person told me this some days back when we talked about this
Never forget. Okay?
Bruhh, adult friendships are hard, and I think they should be handled delicately. To an extent, quite a number of chances should be given to your people until you possibly run out of them because, everybody is winging this life thing and, it's not always about you. Sadly, it gets increasingly difficult as we get older. I'm not looking forward to this year because I don't want to be shocked by what the universe probably has in store for me as regards human relationships. The dynamic of my Friendships change every year and I've sincerely had enough.
On nasal cavity and memories!
I think that my nose and my senses are currently equipped with the ability and strength to pick up a non-existent scent and link it with existing memory.
On some days, it picks up a scent and reminds me of nights in my early childhood where my siblings and I have to bring the mats down and do excess backflips with very loud chattering claiming that we're having night exercise before finally sleeping off.
On other days, it picks up a scent and, the specificity of memory is alarming like the time I played so much with my sick sister, and the next day, I fell so sick that my dad threatened to separate us because we were too playful with each other.
Now, one would think "this is so beautiful" and, this is exactly where the problem lies, the memories aren't always pleasant. Sometimes, they are purely brutal and, I'm convinced that the universe is up to something.
Omo, I can't wait to see how this seemingly new feature of mine will make me a better person or whatever it intends to morph me into.
On love and safety!
Haq. This one will be excerpts from a journal because why not. lol
".. With my human, "safety" has been redefined. Safety is holding my hands in public all the time or having his arm suspended over my shoulder and because he's a big cute bully sometimes, my head is squeezed between his armpit..."
"...There's the certainty and affirmations as well. They come in form of spoken words on some days and written words on other days. "I love you" being said so randomly that I hear it even when he's not saying it..."
"...If I have to write down all of the ways he has sheltered me with his words, I'll run out of time. This place I am in is the most beautiful one I have found myself in. I am safe and secure. I don't want to leave yet.
In this place, we celebrate all of me..."
Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I think that love might be the most beautiful thing on earth(after me, of course). Solid solid and proper solid phenomenon. The safety that comes with it too? Mahnnnnnnnn!
All of these things I have written here were the major forces behind my 20th year. They defined my year. However, we’re having a better 21.
Cheers, people!
